I thought it would be interesting to look back at some of my emotions throughout this pregnancy. It's definitely been a roller coaster...from shock, to fear, to anxiety, to joy, to love, to anticipation, back to fear and shock. All over the place.
While I would've imagined finding out would have been a blissful event with Rob hugging me and spinning me around, in reality when Rob and I first found out, pardon my language, but the first words out of my mouth were "oh shit!". It was said with a smile, but also said with wide eyes and a clearly shocked face. We did hug and laugh about it, but oh my, what shock. Until you get pregnant for the first time, it's obviously always someone else getting pregnant and having the babies. It's never been me.
A lot of the early fear was just the fear of being sick all the time...I truly was just not looking forward to going through that. Well, who would? I realized that pregnancy is letting go of the control you have (or think you have) over your body...it's a very uncomfortable place originally if you like to be in control.
Week 6 of Rob and I finding out and then telling our family was THE longest pregnancy week ever, lol. We had plans of telling our family and friends in real creative ways, but because I just needed to get it off my chest, I just practically blurted it out. There were some hives involved as well. Lol, just like the first time they appeared while I was walking down the aisle to Rob. (I was clueless and didn't even feel that nervous!)
As the weeks went on, and friends and family were let in on the news, the joy and thankfulness started to fill my heart. Even though our first appointment was rocky (and I almost passed out...I'm a lil heat sensitive) the appointments afterward got better and better. A confidence in me that I can do this filled me up.
I've also been trying to stay in prayer about everything. Any concern that comes to mind, I try to leave it with God. Key word, try. His peace and comfort has truly been amazing through this process. Even though I'll think to myself, "people go through much worse, Lee, this is just pregnancy!" I know that God still cares, just have to keep reminding myself. Each person has to face their own things, right?
Well here I am, over 30 weeks and still in unbelief. I try not to overly anticipate the day of labor...trying to just tell myself that it's only one day and that I can do this. I should mention that when doing something strenuous, mentally I tend to not be very strong. Like when it comes to running or working out...I so easily feel like I'm going to die (hello heat sensitivity! lol) and will just stop. So I just find myself saying, "I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, yeah, I've never been in the hospital since I was born, but I can do this."
I've also felt a huge release this past week to not feel like everything in the house needs to be ready. The basics, yes, but I don't need to furnish and decorate our extra living space and stress about that...more money in savings would be better. Thankful for that wisdom that has pierced my mind to just take it easy. There's stuff to do and we will get to it...but I don't need to be actively thinking about it all the time.
Then all the thoughts surrounding parenting, and the expectations we or just our culture inadvertently have. You can easily overwhelm yourself with advice. We're trying to approach things simply. Rob and I have been talking parenting for years, not that it'll go as we plan or anything, but knowing we're on the same page is a good start.
Speaking of Rob and I, a friend of mine sent me this article speaking of redefining your marriage after having a child and things to watch out for. I won't rehash it, but it's really good. Has some great wisdom in there.
Well, all this rambling, but just wanted to document all the random emotions that have gone through this brain. I just remember the comfort I felt from hearing other's experiences, so maybe someone can relate...maybe not.
Feel free to share your experiences as well! Would love to hear. :)