Thursday, October 23, 2014

Deeply Missing You

If I’m going to be honest...with another anniversary of the loss of Larsen, it’s hurting a lot.

I’m realizing that as the years go on, this isn't getting any easier. Each year reminds me of the permanence of her absence on this side of life. Each year puts her life more distant away from mine and I don’t like it.

I know there’s hope and everything for the future, but it’s still hard in the now. It’s hard when I wish she were here to give me parenting advice, or we could laugh about how she had the brown haired boy (her being blonde) and me having the blonde haired boy. She always joked when her son was born that I looked more like his mama by the hair color and dark eyes.

I have a box that I keep all of Lar’s notes and pictures in. She had given me a card with a picture of two elderly ladies sitting on a porch chatting about something probably inappropriate and random and inside it said “this is going to be us one day”. Oh how I wish it would be.

I told Rob and my sister the other day about this, about me having an especially hard time. And my sister said she hasn't heard me say much about it lately. So it made me think maybe after a while it can feel like it’s just easier to keep your feelings to yourself. To talk only about the hope of the future and not bring down the mood with the pain. Especially when you know so many are hurting deeply by it too.

I think I’m realizing that the processes of grief are an ongoing cycle because

the denial still creeps up

the anger still can be present

the sadness is near

and the longing is forever.

October she was taken from us by domestic violence, and October is also domestic violence awareness month. Rob and I are definitely more watchful for any signs of domestic violence in those we encounter. Continue to raise awareness. 

And if you pray, pray for Larsen’s dear son and family. For blessings and peace to flood their lives. They are truly a special family. And if you feel led to give, visit to donate to the growth and care of her amazing autistic son.

Love and miss you so stinking much, Lar.

For previous years posts about Lar and/or domestic violence, you can visit here, here and here. <3

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